


The Quarian

by sabotage



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Renegade Commander Shepard, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 17:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8254081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabotage/pseuds/sabotage
Summary: Tali hopes that her crush on Shepard will be a short-lived infatuation.





	1. Magnetism

A/N: An oldie and one of my favorites. I'm still pissed you can't romance Tali with FemShep. A sequel to this story is in the works. So ever slowly.

* * *

 

xxx

Tali is in engineering, playing with her omni-tool, thinking of modifications and upgrades she can make to the Normandy when Shepard crashes next to her. It's late and she can't sleep. Ah, the ship is too quiet. But Shepard—Shepard doesn't usually make her way down to engineering. Not at this time of night.

Everyone else has turned in. The lights are dimmed save for the pulse of the computer equipment and the glow of the drive core. "Up late, aren't you?" Shepard asks. Tali glances at her shyly, grateful, for once, for the helmet she must wear for survival. "Ship still too quiet for you?"

"A little," she says, blushing beneath the helmet. "I like to fix things. As a quarian, it's something of a requirement." She shows Shepard some of the schematics she's been working on. "I found some areas for improvements here," she clicks a few keys on the omni-tool, "and here. At first, I thought that I should show them to Engineer Adams, but I don't want him to think I'm being rude. He has been kind to me—I wouldn't want things to sour between us."

"Honestly, I can't make heads or tails of this," Shepard tells Tali, leaning in to look at the blueprints, cocking her head before shrugging. The lights dance across her face and eyes. "But if there's room for improvement I'd suggest taking it to him. We're all in this together."

"Maybe." She looks at her again, minimizing her work. "Why are you awake?"

Shepard shrugs. "Killing time. Liara's working on some research," she says with a roll of her eyes. "She got all embarrassed and kicked me out. On my own ship, can you believe it?" she smiles with some amusement. "It was sort of cute so I let it go."

"Oh." Tali has seen how Liara looks at Shepard. She doesn't make an effort to hide her feelings or maybe she's completely oblivious. Tali hasn't figured it out, yet. "So… you two are…" Shepard shrugs. Oh. That's how it is. At least she knows now instead of driving herself crazy with imaginings. She wonders if knowing is worse. Whatever. She's had crushes before. She'll get over it like she did then. "Do you normally get involved with your crew?"

Shepard chuckles. "Not at all. She's not exactly part of the crew, though. Not in the Alliance," she clarifies. "I figure that makes it okay." Tali bites her tongue to keep from saying that she's not in the Alliance either. "I'd hate to be unprofessional."

"Somehow, I don't believe that for a moment."

"That's because you're a smart kid." Shepard says. Kid? Tali sighs inwardly. Maybe everyone is a kid compared to an asari. Even Shepard. "Quarians usually have Pilgrimages this exciting?"

"Not really. But given that my father is an admiral, this will do. As I've said before, there is a lot of pressure on me, even if no one on the fleet ever directly says it. He's expecting a lot, too. Now, he has  _never_  been shy about telling me how I need to lead my life."

"And you just take it?"

"He's my father. I don't know how it is elsewhere—but quarians take family very seriously. There are so few of us. And we're stuck with each other, no matter what. We're nomads—in some ways we're tough. But like with my mother—sometimes you don't know when the end will come. It can take so little." Tali looks to her knee as Shepard covers it with two hard taps. Tali thinks they're meant to be reassuring. The contact is gone soon enough. "You never talk about your family, Shepard."

"Not much to say. They were both in the Alliance. I spent a lot of time on ships growing up. My dad died a few years back." She shrugs. "But mom is still around."

"I'm sorry about your father. What was he like?"

"Alliance man, through and through. Kind of a hard ass. He whacked me a few times. Trying to teach me some respect, build some character." She points to the gash along her eyebrow. "That was him, too. An accident. You should have seen Mom rip him a new one. Eventually I hit back. That made him happy, when I knocked him on his ass. He cut it out after that and I enlisted."

Tali thinks it sounds horrible. But she probably shouldn't say that. "At least you had your mother looking out for you. What does she think of all of this?"

"Haven't talked to her, so I'm not sure."

"Are you estranged?"

"No. Not really. She probably thinks I should call more."

"You're a bad daughter."

Shepard laughs. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Tali was only half-joking. She can't imagine having a family and not bothering to call them. She thinks of Shepard's reputation on Torfan. Maybe it shouldn't surprise her. She has seen Shepard be caring to her squad—but she has also seen her gun down those she might have talked down. "Do you two get along? What does she think of you?"

"You ask a lot of questions. I guess I should be grateful that you're asking instead of searching through my records." She smiles at her. Tali finds herself staring again. She's embarrassed. It isn't such a crime on the Flotilla to ask questions. They have to be open—they're so closed off otherwise, so removed. "Mom thinks I'm a pain in the ass who doesn't like to follow orders. She thought I blackmailed someone into promoting me to Commander." Shepard laughs again.

Tali doesn't hear it often. She likes the sound of it. She isn't sure how serious Shepard is about what she says. She'd been so intimidated by her when she'd first met her but Shepard doesn't seem to take anything too seriously. "Did you?"

"Maybe I'll tell you someday." She rolls her head back. "I was going to ask you to join me for a beer—you old enough to drink?"

"Of course," Tali says shortly. Are all humans such jerks or is it Commander Shepard messing with her?

"Mh. That's good. Can't ask you to go killing for me when you can't shoot one back. Anyway, I just remembered that you can't drink the same booze I can and I don't have anything you could have onboard. I'd hate to kill my little quarian engineer. Adams would have my head." She slaps Tali's hand twice, patting it as if she were some puppy before getting to her feet. "I'm going to distract Liara some more," she says with a grin. "I'll leave you to it, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. Get some rest, kid."

Tali looks after her.

* * *

xxx

Ashley is xenophobic. Tali wishes she weren't such a human stereotype. The first time she'd stumbled into her muttering with Navigator Pressly about the aliens onboard Tali hadn't known what to say. She'd been momentarily paralyzed. She'd left, feeling embarrassed and close to tears. It isn't anything new—but it's hard enough to be away from her family, from her people. To have her so-called allies distrust her just because of what race she happened to be born is maddening and stressful. She's risking her life like the rest of them.

She's on her way to the shuttle bay when she hears Ashley's voice, on the verge of anger and Shepard's voice, placating and amused. She hesitates—not wanting to interrupt.

"You're telling me you're afraid of a young, quarian girl?" Shepard laughs. "Williams, you need to grow a pair."

"Maybe it's a joke to you, Skipper—"

"No, it's not a joke. I get that you're worried. I  _get_  it, Williams. But without Tali's data the council wouldn't have taken us seriously, we wouldn't have known what Saren was up to and that the Reapers were involved. It's my job to work with aliens—it's all of our jobs to. This is greater than humanity or our pride. And as long as you're aboard this ship it's your duty, too. So here's an order Williams, you drop this and let it go or you get the hell off my ship. We have enough fighting to do—and fighting amongst ourselves isn't going to help anybody. Are we clear?"

"But Commander her people are responsible for the Geth—"

"Are we  _clear_ , Williams?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She slaps her arm. "Now go grab a beer and a card game on crew deck. Enough rifle cleaning," she says with a smile. "We've got enough killing to do tomorrow. Might as well enjoy life while we can."

"If you insist…" she shakes her head and wanders off.

"Hey, Williams. No hard feelings."

"I'll follow orders."

Shepard watches her step into the elevator before running her hands through her hair and pacing. Tali hesitantly creeps into the shuttle bay. Garrus and Wrex are nowhere to be seen. It's the reason she'd visited, wondering if they had any interest in a card game. Shepard stops suddenly, looking in her direction. "Enjoy the show?"

Tali steps out of the shadows. How humiliating. "Sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. If it makes you feel any better, I'm embarrassed. You have enough going on. If I can't handle one human talking badly about me, my Pilgrimage and this entire mission are going to be short lived."

"All right, so you've heard what some of the crew are saying. Why haven't you done anything about it?"

"I may be an admiral's daughter but spending so much time with humans is still new to me. More than that, it's my first time on a human ship. I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't take it. I can, for the record, but it still hurts. I didn't want to step on any toes, not your crew's, anyway."

"You're part of my crew, too. I don't want any of that crap happening on this ship. It happens again, you let me know."

"I appreciate it. But… I'll take care of it myself. Maybe I'll try the direct approach next time. I doubt I'll be as good as you at it, but… maybe with some practice. I know you have a lot to do, Shepard. I'd rather others not resent you because they have a problem with me."

"If they have a problem with you, they have a problem with me."

Tali's face flushes. Once again she's grateful for the helmet. She brings a hand to her face but only touches her helmet. How long has it been since her skin has touched anything other than her suit? "Well…that's not necessary, but thank you. I really appreciate it, Shepard."

"Don't let Ash bug you. She's all right. She doesn't mean any of that shit she says."

"No? I hope you're right. Either way…" Shepard smiles and walks closer, peering at her. Is she trying to see beneath her helmet? Tali twines her fingers without meaning to. Her breathing becomes erratic. Oh, Keelah. Here she is, acting like some awestruck girl. She needs to get it together. "How are—things with Liara?"

"Liara?" Shepard says the name as if trying to recall who the person is. "Well enough. It's not serious. Friends with benefits. Without many of the benefits, to be honest." Another careless shrug. Is it so easy for Shepard to shrug everything away? "Why? Have a crush on her?"

"What? No. No! Not—not on Liara. Or—or anyone else," she mutters. She forces herself to look at Shepard who has an infuriating smug smirk on her lips. Tali flushes more. This is awful. "But, Shepard—does she know that you think of it that way? Liara seems… sensitive. You'll be careful with her, won't you?"

"Can't say that I'm careful with much of anything. Don't worry. I'll be on my best behavior. Want to come up for a game? We'll be doing some drinking. Maybe even some strip poker? Bet you have a hell of a poker face." Tali doesn't know whether to be flattered or whether to smash her. Smash her. Definitely smash her. She crosses her arms, cocking her head. "Then again, maybe not…" Shepard smiles again, pauses to look at her before turning away. "Remember to turn in by bedtime," she says waving her off.

Tali tries not to pout.

* * *

xxx

To think that the geth exist, that her people created them and they're back now, beyond the veil. To think that she has to fight them. When she left for her Pilgrimage, she never imagined things would go like this. She…shouldn't be having fun, should she? No, she tells herself firmly. She shouldn't be.

The geth are machines, helping Saren. They worship the Reapers! Taking them out is doing the galaxy a favor. She runs through the rusty hallways of the once abandoned facility, Wrex's heavy steps pound behind her. Shepard is far in the lead. She uses a sniper rifle and a heavy hand cannon but you'd never know it from the way she charges forward.

There are jagged edges everywhere. Tali can't smell the place. She can never smell much of anything. But she sees the sharp edges of the facility. One small cut here could kill her. Ah, the life of a quarian. She fears bacteria more than she fears bullets, though those aren't much better.

"Where is she going?" Tali asks Wrex, whose footsteps shake the place as he catches up to her, making her balance more precarious.

"Probably trying to beat us to all the killing," Wrex says. "She's a maniac. I'm not going to let her have all the fun."

Tali hears the pride in his voice. "I wouldn't put it that way," she says picking up her pace. She runs through a doorway, and sees a large open space with a rusty railing, broken in parts. There's a firefight. Tali hears the shattering sound of Shepard's sniper rifle and runs into cover. She can never dive in with the flair of Shepard, Wrex, Ashley or the others. A rip in her suit would spell disaster, even if she survived. She lifts her head to see a geth head hurling towards her. She shifts her head, though part of it smashes into the side of her helmet. Ow. Her fingers touch the suit instinctively, checking for any damage. None. She sighs with relief and frowns at the geth head as it spins at her feet. A geth is bearing on her. She stands, one blast of the shotgun at close range and its down. She sprints out of cover, reloading, running and gunning until she's taken down five more.

The battle is over soon enough. Shepard high-fives Wrex. Tali's surprised they don't do a chest bump or headbutt in celebration. Geth pieces are everywhere. Tali lets Shepard and Wrex talk and moves around, examining the pieces, taking anything small that could help the fleet and tucking it away in her many pockets. When they dock, she will send what she can back to the Flotilla. It won't be what she presents to a captain of a fleet—but it is what her father wants and she will do as asked.

Tali is careful with what she examines, if there is any chance that it could reanimate, it could be self-aware in any way, she does not take it. She's examining a geth arm when a hand lights on her shoulder. She whips back, pistol in hand. Shepard snatches her fingers, four of them, one thumb around her wrist. Tali focuses on the pressure and glances at the geth arm she still holds. She wonders what Shepard thinks of her. Does she think the same as the others? "I'm sorry," she mutters, "you scared me."

"At least you went for the pistol and not the shotgun," she takes the gun from Tali before releasing her wrist and returning the pistol. "You're one hell of a spitfire in battle. I'd swear your eyes were gleaming in the middle of the fight."

Tali once again wonders if Shepard goes out of her way to be a jerk. "Too bad you'll never know for sure."

"Damn shame." She stoops beside her and takes the arm from Tali, flopping it back and forth, the geth fingers moving every which way before Shepard dumps it unceremoniously. "What are you doing with this?"

"Ah, nothing," she hurries. "I'm… curious, I guess." She can't lie to Shepard, shouldn't lie to Shepard—but there are some things that come before her command and those are her people, her father. "Not all of our records of the geth are intact. I wonder if they have evolved like they did before." She sighs. "What would that mean? For them and the galaxy?"

"More dead people, is my guess. I'm not here to philosophize why they exist. I line up the shot and take it."

"I wish I could be so cavalier about it." She takes the arm that Shepard discarded and looks at it again, before picking up a head with a tangle of wires hanging loose from it. "These things are the reason my people are reviled throughout the galaxy."

"Help me stop the geth, Saren and the Reapers and the galaxy will change its mind. No one could hate a quarian if they met you." Tali smiles, not telling Shepard how many times others have met her and not given a damn about getting to know her. Shepard takes the geth head from Tali's hand and chucks it across the room. It clatters, sliding before going still. "Let's get going."

Tali nods absently, taking Shepard's hand when she extends it to pull her to her feet.

* * *

xxx

It's strange to sleep in the crew's quarters with the men and women of the Alliance. Strange—but reassuring. It's the only time she feels as if she were back in the Flotilla; in the darkness it's hard to tell the difference. That is, if it weren't for all the deafening silence.

She retreats to the crew deck at the appropriate time but often stays up later, searching the ship for scraps, for projects. There's a coffee maker that isn't working as it should, there are datapads that have been discarded, all in close to perfect condition—if they knew what to do.

Tali does. She takes the pieces to the mess hall tables and makes the appropriate modifications. It makes her feel more at home—which she guesses isn't supposed to be the point of the Pilgrimage. Amidst all the talk and excitement about the move into adulthood, no one told her how lonely it would be. She misses her friends. She misses dancing.

She doesn't really have any friends on the Normandy. She gets along with others but she isn't close to anyone. The closest would be Shepard. Shepard with her reckless smiles—her reckless everything, really. She can be a bit of a bosh'tet at times—but maybe that's part of her charm. Oh, Keelah. Her friends would laugh. Leave it to daddy's girl to have a crush on someone like Shepard. Maybe she's the one who's a cliché.

She hears doors opening and laughter, small protests. She looks up; the med-bay door is open with Shepard and Liara spilling out. Liara pushes Shepard back. Shepard smiles, she kisses her once, then twice.

"Shepard, this is inappropriate," she hears Liara mutter before Shepard pushes her against the wall and kisses her deeply. Liara closes her eyes, sighing softly before wrapping her arms around Shepard's neck. Her fingers thread through Shepard's hair. Tali frowns gently and looks down at the datapad she's working on, her gloved hands. These kinds of things shouldn't bother her anymore. "Shepard…" Liara sighs before nearly shouting the name. She shoves her off.

"What's the big—" Shepard spots Tali as she hurriedly gathers her things. "Oh, we have a guest. It's past your bedtime, isn't it?" Liara takes Shepard's arm but Shepard brushes her off. "What are you doing up?"

"I was bored," Tali explains. "I was just working on a few," she shows her the items. "Quarians know to save everything. I was just…" she can't think of an explanation that adequately erases any embarrassment. "I—ah—don't worry I won't tell… not that it's a secret," she mutters hurriedly. "Hello, Liara," she says to her.

"Good evening, Tali'Zorah," Liara returns, looking even more mortified than Tali feels. "I ah—it's time for bed. Goodnight, both of you," she nods and hurries past them.

"She's so bashful," Shepard tells Tali with a small smile. She picks up the datapad Tali had been working on. "You're something else, aren't you?" She sits on the mess hall table and crosses her arms, looking at her. "Did you leave a boyfriend back on the Flotilla? Girlfriend, maybe?"

"Ah, no. I ah—" She doesn't know how to explain it, doesn't want to explain it, doesn't know how to say that the kisses that Shepard blows off as nothing require an intimacy that quarians rarely experience. "I didn't. I was born on the Rayya. We are not particularly meant to stay on the ships we are born. If everyone did we would only have family as suitable partners which creates a host of problems, as you can imagine."

"So your Pilgrimage is a chance to test the waters?"

"Yes. We expose ourselves to the world, we try to prove our worth to whatever ship ultimately takes us. All of us are curious and restless. And it's so cramped that sometimes it does feel miserable. If we didn't go on our Pilgrimage we wouldn't appreciate what we have. Anyway, I'm getting carried away. We begin our Pilgrimage when we enter adulthood. Young adulthood," she clarifies. "So many of us aren't… ah… involved, when we leave," she says.

"So you don't get to leave home until you're all grown up. I'm guessing quarians aren't exactly like humans. Getting trashed, making bad decisions, partying all the time?"

"As much fun as that sounds, no. The point is to act like adults, not children." She senses that Shepard is being a smart-ass. "But it is generally thought that when we have presented a captain of a ship with a gift our journey is complete. We earn our adult names, then. And we can begin attending to that life and those…relationships. I am sure that commanding officers reminding us of our 'bedtime' does not hurry the process of adulthood along."

Shepard laughs. "Come on. Bedtime's not just for the kiddos. Trust me. But you haven't settled yet." She smiles. Tali shakes her head. Shepard looks her over. "You okay? I didn't mean to scandalize you a minute ago. Or Liara." She sighs.

"You have an affinity for it." Tali says. Shepard rewards her with another smirk. Tali finishes gathering her items before she says something even more embarrassing. "Goodnight, Shepard."

"Night, Tali," Shepard says playfully.

Tali returns to the crews' quarters, fumbling in the dark with her omni-tool as light. She passes Liara's bed and climbs into her own bed just one over. She thinks of Liara and Shepard kissing, seemingly unaware of the world around them. They made it look so easy. If only it were so easy, if only she could pull her helmet off and have people see her face, have someone touch her without the risk of it killing her.

It makes her feel so lonely. She thinks of Shepard's lips on Liara's and brings a hand to her lips. Her fingers graze the helmet. She bites her lip and closes her eyes, frustrated and depressed.


	2. Gravity

The Normandy is splintering into pieces.

This is the worst nightmare a quarian can have on the Flotilla. Looking around, Tali can see that the terror isn't limited exclusively to quarians. There are explosions everywhere. In the Flotilla, this thought was always at the back of her mind. That's why the disconcerting silence often scared her; dead engines spell disaster waiting to happen.

Saren is barely gone. The Council has blown off Shepard and her warnings of the Reapers. After everything she has done, they still don't believe her, not even after she saved them. They've sent her out on geth clean up. Tali's stayed a little longer to help. Any geth material she can find will help. And if she can spend more time with Shepard… Not that Shepard feels as warmly to the geth clean-up assignment.

"I should have said to hell with them," Shepard told her angrily, leaving the Citadel after an angry confrontation with the Council.

Shepard…

An explosion calls her back to attention. Soldiers push past her, shouting orders. She walks calmly while others run. Maybe a check on the Normandy systems would—Engineer Adams takes tight hold of her arm. Where has he come from? She's in a fog. "We've got to move Tali, it's all coming down, everything's at critical. We have to gather everyone and go. Get to the emergency pods."

"You too," Tali swallows the lump in her throat. That's it then? The Normandy is lost? She walks, dizzily, the ship blasting, teetering, sending her violently to the side. She crashes into a hard wall, takes the stairs to the crew deck. Looks towards Shepard's cabin. Shepard rushes out; her normally unflappable expression tight and serious. "Shepard—"

Just seeing her reassures Tali. If Shepard is on the mission, then everything will be all right. Shepard stopped Saren, defeated a Reaper. A malfunctioning ship should not be a problem. But this is no malfunction. She checked the system status only minutes ago. Everything was green. She doesn't make mistakes. Engineer Adams doesn't make mistakes. This is something else.

"I don't know what's happening," Tali tells her.

"We're under attack," Shepard looks up when she hears a screaming of metal. Another explosion and they both go reeling. Shepard grabs hold of her at the last moment, using her body as a cushion as they slam into a hard steel wall. It passes but everything is shaking. Shepard's armor is hard. Tali wonders how much pain she'd be in if Shepard hadn't shielded her just now. "You all right?" Tali can see the cracks in the Normandy. She has never been so terrified. "Tali!" She blinks. Looks at Shepard's face. Nods numbly. "Get to the emergency pods. I don't want you around for this." She releases her and a giant chunk of the ceiling comes down, sending electrical wires every which way.

There are sparks, dangerous wires, everything is so bright it lights up her face. "What can I do? Let me help."

"Negative. I'll round up the rest of the crew. You didn't come all this way on your Pilgrimage to die on my ship."

"But Shepard—" A loud boom sends them both tumbling again. Oh, Keelah. This is bad. This is so bad. She wants to cry. She won't cry. This isn't the end. Shepard will take care of it. They won't lose the Normandy. They can't lose her or the crew. Not after everything.

Shepard goes to Tali, takes her firmly by the shoulders. "It will be okay, Tali. I promise. But you have to be a big girl now and follow my orders. Get to the emergency pods.  _Now_. Understand? Nod and tell me you understand."

Tali stares at her. She's never seen Shepard look so tense. She nods again. "Yes, Captain." Shepard smiles and for a moment, Tali can believe everything is going to be all right. "Shepard—promise—promise, be careful. I'll meet you at the pods."

"You go ahead. I'll catch up. When this is all over, we'll have a drink."

"Aye, aye," she mutters nervously. Shepard gives her another smile. Then they separate. Shepard goes one way. Tali goes another, running past the mess hall, running towards the battery. There are soldiers shouting. There are people screaming. There are even dead bodies she has to step over, people she has known, good men and women. Oh, Keelah. Oh, Keelah, help them.

Amidst the smoke and the fire, there's fire everywhere now, she sees Shepard talking to Liara, no doubt having the same conversation with Liara that she just had with her. Liara leaves her side reluctantly and Tali watches as Shepard slips the helmet onto her head. For a moment she swears that they look at one another and then Shepard is gone.

Tali waits for some of the younger crewmembers to get into the pod (though she imagines she is one of the youngest) before stepping in, Liara slips in beside her. They are the last to board. There are a few other pods available, enough for Shepard and Joker. Where is Ashley? Wrex? Garrus? Hopefully they were smarter and left quickly. Tali glances at Liara. She is on the verge of tears, her blue eyes shimmering. They strap in and the pod blasts off, gaining distance from the Normandy.

Looking at it from afar makes it all the more agonizing. The Normandy is a burning star. Whatever attacking ship that is, Tali doesn't recognize it, but it dwarfs the Normandy, making it look more like a speck than one of the finest vessels to ever exist. The mysterious ship shoots a ray of burning light and the Normandy blasts apart.

Tali's eyes widen. The black of the skies and the stars are engulfed in flames. Shepard is still on there. No, no, no. Shepard grabbed Joker and got into an escape pod. Yes. Shepard would not survive what she has survived to die in a ship, to die without a battle. She wouldn't just break her promise.

* * *

xxx

Tali checks the news reports but finds no mention of Shepard. It is a terrible thing; worse than exile, it is as if Shepard has been wiped from existence. She sends messages to Ashley, to Wrex, to Garrus but they don't know any more than she does.

Tali tells herself that Shepard is all right. No news is good news. Without the Normandy she had nowhere to go. She hitched rides on vessels until she arrived at the Neema. Han'Gerrel is a friend of her father's and she isn't ready to return home yet. She presents the data to him, the one Shepard let her keep only months ago, after teasing and probing questions. Han'Gerrel accepts it. He'd be a fool not to. Any advantage they can have over the geth will be an asset. Her gift is a worthy one.

She's accepted into the ship, her new home. Tali'Zorah vas Neema. It will take her some time to get used to the name. She has only ever been Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. She gets her new suit, to reflect her entry into adulthood. The quarians aboard the Neema are friendly. That is something to be said about her people. Her Pilgrimage taught her that other races are not so accommodating and warm.

"I just sent word to your old man," Han'Gerrel tells her. "Who knew that his little girl would end up on the Neema?"

Tali smiles, as if he'll see her face if she doesn't, but cringes inwardly. She hadn't told her father what ship she'd planned to join. Honestly, she only wanted to talk to Shepard again before reconnecting with him. If she returned to the Rayya first and Shepard resurfaced—he'd make it very difficult for the both of them. "I'm just grateful to be aboard."

"We're happy to have you, Tali. You took down Saren Arterius and stopped a Reaper! You'll change the reputation of quarians everywhere!" He says enthusiastically. Normally he sounds bored or put out.

"Thank you," she says, "but Shepard did most of the work."

No one ever listens when she tells them that. It makes sense. They want someone to be proud of, someone to rally around. It isn't so bad—its good for her people to have something to be happy about, but she doesn't like it if it has to come at Shepard's expense. She would never want to take credit where it isn't due. Shepard hadn't let her go with her in the end, to confront Saren. Tali had been angry.

" _When will you understand that I'm not a child?"_

" _This is serious. I don't need to be worrying about you in the middle of a firefight. Some of this squad has been fighting since you were in diapers." Shepard told her, droll. Tali wanted to hit her. "You're good, kid, but this is above your pay grade. Stay. Here."_

Tali glared, oh had she. She wished Shepard could see it. But Shepard only touched her fingers lightly to her helmet, leaving Tali breathless, leaving her to imagine what they might feel like against her face, along the curve of her jaw.

Shepard left, turning and leaving her on the Normandy, delegating her to waiting, while Shepard protected her. Tali turned her attention to the Normandy systems, to the positions of the fleets, not wanting to be crippled by worry.

She sighs. Keelah. Where is Shepard?

She can't isolate herself and think about her. Being aboard a quarian vessel makes it impossible, even if she wanted to. Tali takes her time getting to know the ship. She meets other quarians and makes friends. She tells them about Shepard, how she acts, her quirks, how she fights in battle. A saucy quarian girl asks if Tali would link her suit with Shepard's. Tali face nearly melts away.

She checks the radio feeds, the extranet, the logs and still no word.

It's possible Shepard is on a top-secret op and hasn't bothered contacting her. She never talks to her mother, why bother with the quarian girl? Still… she worries. She fixes, she calibrates, she modifies and improves what she can. Shepard fills her thoughts. She's worried.

Weeks pass. Her heart jumps when she receives a message from Liara.

_Meet me at Omega._

There's nothing else. The message is strangely efficient. Tali has never even heard of Omega. She finds where it is, takes a junker ship, a skeleton crew and goes.

Omega is a dirty place full of sketchy individuals. It's nowhere she wants to be. She isn't sure why Liara asked to meet her here. She goes into Afterlife, drawn by the heavy pounding base that leaves her feeling chilled and alone. She quickly grew accustomed to spending time with her people again, in cramped quarters, getting to know others. This looks like the kind of place you go to avoid connections, at least, any meaningful ones.

She watches the asari dancers glide along the poles, dip down into impossible positions. Men and women watch them, expressions thick with what she thinks is desire. She likes to dance but she wouldn't be one of these dancers, isn't sure that anyone would ever want to watch a quarian move that way. She isn't sure that her legs can bend like that.

A krogan smashes into her as he moves past and Tali glares at him as he moves along unapologetically. She wishes Wrex were here. As it is, she doesn't know where to start the search for Liara. Liara told her to come to Omega but nothing more. Afterlife was a bad idea. She recalls going to Flux on the Citadel and seeing Shepard take to the dance floor. Tali laughed—at least there are some things Shepard isn't good at. Shepard tried, in vain, to get Liara to dance with her. Liara complained of the volume and if she had ears, Tali is sure she would have covered them. The tired, worn down expression on Liara's face was a treat in itself. Tali had never seen anyone so put out.

" _I would like to get a copy of this to take back to the Flotilla!" Tali said loudly to Shepard who stood in the middle of a group of women, each dancing more ridiculously than the previous one. A turian enthusiast was Tali's favorite._

" _You like music?" Shepard shouted._

" _I like a lot of things!" Tali said. Shepard dragged her onto the dance floor, asking her to repeat herself. Tali lifted her face, close to Shepard's ear, fingers tentatively pushing her hair back. "I said I like a lot of things."_

" _Yeah?" Shepard remained close, the better to hear her. Her proximity nearly destroyed Tali. "Such as?"_

" _Um. Well. That is. Music. Music."_

_Shepard smiled. "Let's go, before Liara gives me the silent treatment," and sauntered off the dance floor, leaving Tali behind._

Where is Shepard? Maybe—maybe she'll be with Liara? Tali hopes so. She'd like to see her. It would be wonderful to see her, even if she's being a complete bosh'tet and acting as if she hadn't just disappeared for weeks.

"Ah. There you are."

Tali turns. Liara stands in a black and white hardsuit, a pistol at her side. Any innocence in her face has long gone. How strange. She looks like another person altogether.

* * *

xxx

"I've been doing some checking up on everybody," Liara tells her in an indifferent way, moving to one of the more isolated regions of Omega, Tali behind her. "I know you've been worried about Shepard."

"Ah, well, yes." Tali stops at the railing, looking at the blood red skies, watching cars zip by like bullets. "It's been a few weeks." She sighs. "Though in some ways it feels as if it just happened. Seeing the Normandy go down that way was horrible. I still have nightmares about it."

"Have you?" Liara queries, considering her words as if to test their validity. "I haven't dreamt. Perhaps I've been too busy." Liara walks further along, trailing her fingers along the grimy railing that separates them from the endless sea of space. Her gloves come away black and dirty. "I remember looking at you when it happened. All I could see was the reflection of the burning Normandy on your mask."

Tali frowns. The Alliance soldiers were in shock. Some sobbed uncontrollably. Liara cried. What does Liara mean by saying such a thing? Is she trying to say that Tali didn't feel it?

"Anyway…" Liara says, "what I wanted to tell you couldn't be sent over a network and I have some business to attend to here. I don't have much time, however so I'll get straight to it. Shepard's dead, Tali. Move on."

"Wh— what?" The air has gone out of her. Is this a joke? "What do you mean? No, no, no. This is a joke of yours. No, a joke of hers. You don't tell jokes. Shepard?" she looks around, she must be here somewhere. She wouldn't die. Liara wouldn't tell her like this, as if she were reading off a casualty report, data, nothing significant. She looks at Liara's expression, steely and put together. "You're lying." She turns, looking in the shadows, looking at the people walking along. "Shepard!" she's desperate.

"Stop it."

"Why would you say such a thing?" Tali shoves her. Liara stumbles but only for a moment and then she's well put together again. "If Shepard is dead it would be all over the networks, all over the extranet! There's been nothing! Where is she? Where is she?" she demands loudly.

"In a box. You could fit her into a box. A small one." Liara sighs as if Tali were a terrible nuisance. "I thought you'd want to know." Tali looks at her helplessly, faint, as the tears run down her face. What is Liara seeing now? Her own blank expression? "Shepard always thought you were a little girl. She was right." She looks at her omni-tool and makes a few punches. "That's my cue. Goodbye, Tali'Zorah vas Neema. Don't hang on to this, to her. You won't be doing yourself any favors."

Tali grips the railing, hyperventilating, unable to sob as Liara leaves her. She settles to a sitting on the disgusting Omega floor, covering her face with her hands. Men and women walk past, ignoring her.

* * *

xxx

Tali retrieves supplies for the Flotilla, some crates of paste to eat and a good deal of scraps that she finds on Omega for next to nothing. She promises Han'Gerrell she would find supplies and she did. Anything to help the Neema or the Flotilla, is valuable, makes any trip worth it.

She delivers to Han'Gerrell a list of the supplies retrieved. Her voice sounds normal enough. With significant effort she can keep the shake from it but she can't manage any cheer. Tears are caked along her cheeks and neck.

Quarians are an open people, another thing they have little choice about. They can't see anyone's faces, can't tell their expressions. The only thing they have is body language, their voice, the openness of their words.

Tali doesn't want to share her sorrow with anyone. No one could possibly understand how much Shepard meant to her, not even if she was the Spectre who saved the galaxy. Even if Shepard was inappropriate and teased her, no one ever treated her so kindly. Maybe she babied her sometimes… ultimately, Tali wished that Shepard treated her more like an adult, like an equal—but in her own way, Shepard was trying to protect her.

Weren't they supposed to have a drink together? They'll never have that drink now.

_You could fit her into a box. A small one._

Keelah. What was Shepard reduced to? Did Liara see her? Is that why she was that way? Broken? Not even a person anymore, made into some cold machine?

_It will be okay, Tali. I promise._

"Shepard…" Tali heaves for breath before leaning into a wall, forcing herself to calm. "You liar."

* * *

xxx

The news of the Cerberus attack ripples through the Flotilla. There is not a soul she passes that isn't talking of the news. Golo, again! The bosh'tet isn't even worth a ship name. To have been exiled ten years ago for trying to sell young quarians to the Collectors is unforgivable enough—but to return to the Idenna after being shown mercy and to murder so much of the crew—all for the sake of what? Credits? For Cerberus? A terrorist organization that despises any race that isn't human?

As usual, Cerberus isn't above doing anything to further the human's cause. Tali doesn't know who Gillian Grayson is other than that she's a biotic. She thinks of Kaidan. From her understanding, human biotics are rare and are not comparably powerful to the asari. To kill off the majority of the crew of the Idenna, however, for some human biotic, to kill anyone for selfish reasons…

Tali has never hated anyone or anything. The geth are the closest she's come but even then she understands that the geth were fighting for survival. Cerberus isn't fighting for the survival of humanity. They're fighting for power at the expense of anyone else, damn those who stand in their way.

Shepard knew what a menace they were. Tali wishes someone would do something about them but no one else wants to acknowledge that they even exist. Were they really an Alliance black ops program? She can't take them out. She's only one quarian against an army of well-armed, well-funded soldiers, scientists, politicians? Who or what exactly is Cerberus? Besides an agent for chaos.

If Shepard were present the attack may have been stopped before the casualties reached the numbers they did. But the quarians have always been a self-sufficient people, taking care of their own matters. There's no use in thinking of Shepard. Shepard is dead. As painful as it is, Tali has accepted it.

Maybe if the quarians were better armed—no, no, not even then could they have taken the Cerberus agents down. What's worse is that the attack was so unexpected. The Flotilla isn't like the turian or human fleets, the batarians or the krogan. Their enemies consist of faulty wiring, ships that have taken too many beatings on their journey through the stars. Not groups or mercenaries specifically hunting them to get at something. They weren't prepared. They couldn't have been, even if they'd been given advanced warning.

What would Shepard do?

_I'm not here to philosophize why they exist. I line up the shot and take it._

Tali smiles ruefully. Awful advice. Or maybe great advice. Next time she sees Cerberus, next time they think of interfering or hurting her people, she'll line up the shot, she'll take it.

* * *

xxx

Two years pass.

Shepard's death still isn't public knowledge. All they've done is replace her Alliance recruitment ads with some person she doesn't know. As if the Alliance can do better than Shepard. She tries not to be bitter about it. All she knows is that quarians would never be so disingenuous, would not just spit on the sacrifices made by a person and relegate them to nothing. She wonders what Shepard's mother thinks about it.

After all her talk of Shepard not contacting her mother, Tali hasn't seen much of her own father. She isn't sure whose fault that is and even taking the guess makes her feel guilty. Quarians are supposed to be more respectful, more reverent of family. Her father is an Admiral on the Rayya. He's a genius. It makes sense that he doesn't have time to return her messages or even make the meetings they arrange.

Tali accepts that he doesn't really care about her. She was always closer to her mother anyway. When she died, her father buried himself in work and politics, military strategy. He left her with Auntie Raan. She's the one who took care of her and listened to her cry.

Raan's voice always put her at ease and she never tires of telling her, just as Tali never tires of hearing it, how she synchronized suits with her mother, just to be there for her birth. When Tali found out about Shepard's death, it was Raan she visited. She never spoke of Shepard, not like she did before, but Raan's very presence was a comfort. Raan knew she was unhappy but she eventually stopped pressing.

Tali sighs thinking of her and stands from the small table she's been waiting at for hours now. Her father is not coming. If only he were as good at making their meetings as he is at pressing her to deliver whatever geth material she finds.

That's what the last two years has been. Raiding small geth outposts, officially to eliminate them—that's why Kal'Reeger goes, that's why Prazza, brash and stupid as he is, joins her. Unofficially she keeps returning pieces to him. He has become oddly specific in what he wants, recently. Tali does her best but some part of her feels that he is disappointed in her discretion. Tali doesn't want to think of what would happen and she was careless, she sent something that could spring to life.

She opens a message on her omni-tool:  _I take it something important has come up. Don't worry—I'm used to being the Admiral's daughter by now. Let me know when you have some time and I'll meet you at a destination of your choice. Love – Tali. P.S. How were the last pieces I sent you?_

She receives a message back almost immediately. Tali brightens, hoping her father is on his way and she only need wait a few minutes more. The message pops open. Freedom's Progress has gone offline. Tali frowns. Veetor's there. Sweet, nervous, skittish Veetor. How does a human colony just go offline?

She fires off a message back, leaving the small restaurant, her father forgotten.

_What do we know?_

* * *

xxx

Freedom's Progress scares her. This is a colony of nearly a million people and there is no one in sight. What has happened here? What could have cut communication off so thoroughly? She has heard of human colonies disappearing. Is that what happened here? How are they disappearing? Where are they going?

Where is Veetor? Here somewhere. She has tracked him to a warehouse and now he's armed all the mechs on the premises. Fantastic. Poor Veetor. He must have been terrified to do that. They need to find a way to bypass the security he has set up. He's always been fragile. She's sent another small team of quarians ahead to alert her of any changes in the situation.

"We should go ahead," Prazza tells the two other quarians, Lazia vas Neema, Rilos vas Neema, "we don't have time to play with encryptions. Whatever he set up, we'll get through it."

"No way," Tali says sharply, looking away from the security board. "We've come too far to screw this up with recklessness. I know how you like to go in guns blasting but this isn't like fighting geth. Veetor's counting on us." Prazza's eyes narrow on her. The others look impatient. "In case any of you have forgotten, I'm the one with the most field experience and I'm in charge."

This wouldn't be a problem with Kal'Reegar. She told him not to come, that this would be a routine investigation, likely ending quickly and peacefully, now she's not so sure. Kal'Reegar is a good marine to have at her side. A fantastic soldier, thoughtful in battle, never one to fight recklessly. He's also too polite to her; she's unsure if he's intimidated by her father or by the legend that the quarians have made of her. It's sweet but she wishes he'd let his guard down around her. She's not so intimidating, is she?

Lazia peers out the window, looking to the sky. "Someone's landed. A shuttle."

"A shuttle…?" Tali doesn't know who could be here. Maybe the Alliance has sent out a reconnaissance team. "Keep an eye on it. Prazza, Rilos, guard the entrances. I'm going to keep working on an override. The faster we can get Veetor out of here, the better. "

"Yes, ma'am," Prazza grunts.

She glowers at him. She can tell he wants to belt her one. Hotheaded quarians like that are the reasons so few of them come back from ops. Tali returns her attention to overriding the security protocols Veetor has put into place.

"Three headed this way," Rilos says.

"No blind shooting," Tali warns, "nothing happens until I give the word, understood?" Rilos and Lazia nod but Prazza says nothing. "Prazza, have you gone deaf? I asked if you heard what I said?"

"Yes," he says through gritted teeth.

"Good. Soldiers who can't follow orders don't live very long."  _Except Shepa…_  She swallows the sharp sting of pain that coils around her unexpectedly from time to time, always blindsiding her. Tali hears the lifting of weapons as the door to the building hisses open. The shouts of Cerberus are in the air before Tali can even stand. So, Cerberus is here, too. But no, they can't start a firefight, not while Veetor is still here. Prazza is rushing forward, assault rifle at the ready, the others following his lead. No doubt they resent how quickly she rose in position through the Neema but she won't be soft and make bad decisions just to be popular. She stands agitatedly, glaring at the group, "Prazza, you said you'd let me handle this."

She turns to the group. Cerberus agents. Two of them she doesn't recognize, the stunning woman with cold eyes, the man, handsome, warmer but still Cerberus. Not to be trusted. The last. Her breath catches in her throat. Her lips move soundlessly. Not that anyone can see, can know the shock she's in, the sudden weakness in her limbs. "Shepard…?"

* * *

xxx

Prazza and the rest of the squad have been wiped out. The objective was to retrieve Veetor—she will be able to return him to the Migrant Fleet but the loss of her squad weighs on her. Their blood has soaked into the ground of the colony. Enough waiting. She doesn't want to leave Veetor with Cerberus for a moment longer, even if Shepard is inexplicably with them.

Tali walks into the dark cabin. The monitors display snow. One has gone black. She spots a bullet hole and looks at Shepard who smiles as if she's been caught in the midst of mischief. The bastards are trying to take Veetor back with them. Shepard thankfully sides with her. If she hadn't, if she'd let them take Veetor… She doesn't want to think of it.

Shepard has signaled for pickup. Tali ignores her as best as she can. Veetor is the focus and he needs her now. She goes to him; he's taken a seat on the chair again, head in his hands, rocking back and forth. "We'll have you back to the Flotilla soon, Veetor. Then this nightmare will be over."

"The swarms, the swarms," he mutters, "they took everybody, everybody."

"It doesn't matter now. You're safe." But it does matter and if Shepard is here and she's worried, it's unlikely that anything will stay safe much longer.

Jacob and Miranda (as Shepard has introduced them) look bored and irritated by her. She leaves the cabin with Shepard alongside of her, feeling as if she's in a dream or some bizarre nightmare. Snow falls slowly, clouding her facemask. She sighs.

"Figure you'd be looking more at me than at that cabin," Shepard tells her.

"Sorry, Shepard—but I'm not comfortable with leaving Veetor with those people, even if it's only for a few minutes."

Shepard barks out their names. They come to the entry of the building. "Go wait for extraction at the landing zone."

"You've got it, Commander," Jacob dutifully says, walking past them. Tali glares at him. Miranda rewards she and Shepard with a roll of her eyes.

Tali knows next to nothing about Miranda but she doesn't like her attitude, her superiority, how cavalier she is about an attack that killed too many of her people by an organization she is proudly involved in. "I cannot believe this Shepard. I cannot believe that you are working for Cerberus. You know what they've done. You've seen it first hand and you would still take their hand. Don't you know that they're tricking you?"

"I don't trust them, Tali. I know you're worried. This is greater than our past history with them," Shepard says dogmatically. How infuriating. As if Cerberus' attack on the Flotilla was so long ago! "The Collectors are kidnapping human colonies. Christ, they took this one." Tali doesn't know who Christ is. "Cerberus is the only one willing to do anything about it. Sometimes the ends justify the means."

"If you're saying something like that, then I'm really worried."

"It's always been my policy," Shepard tells her sharply.

Has it? Butcher of Torfan. Maybe Shepard's right. Maybe Tali only romanticized her. Oh, what a stupid girl she was! "That woman would have had you beat Veetor and drag him back to Cerberus. The only thing Cerberus cares about is Cerberus."

"Miranda's a bitch, no question. Great ass, though." Her eyes twinkle brightly. "She's earned the right to be a little cocky." Shepard tells Tali as if she wants to hear it. It doesn't matter. "Jacob's ex-Alliance but he's still Cerberus. This is why I need someone I can trust with me."

Yes. That's what Shepard mentioned before. Weeks ago Tali would have jumped at the chance. Even hours ago. Things aren't so simple anymore. It can't just be about what she wants. Going with her would be a betrayal to her people. They wouldn't understand that she was working for Shepard, not Cerberus. Not without convincing. "No way, Shepard. Not while you're with Cerberus. I never thought I'd see the day when you stood by them."

"You're pissed. I get it."

"You say you get it but I don't think you do." If she really understood could she dismiss everything so easily?

"Can't you just let me be happy to see you?" Shepard snaps. Tali looks at her. "This hasn't been easy for me. Two years have passed. Everything's gone to hell while I've been laid out flat on an operating table." Tali frowns gently, taking a seat next to Shepard on a cold, oversized crate. "For everyone else it's been two years but for me it's been weeks." There's a long moment. "Highlight so far has been hearing you bark orders to your squad. You're one hell of a spitfire."

"Maybe I had a pain in the ass commander for inspiration." Tali hesitates. It's so easy to be drawn back into conversation with Shepard. She still looks and sounds like Shepard. But she's missing scars. From her eyebrow, from her chin. They've been wiped away. Tali almost lifts her hand to touch her face but it isn't as if it'd feel any differently beneath her gloved hand. "They'd still be alive if they'd listened."

"You did what you could. I can't believe how different you are."

Tali smiles wryly. "Oh, you can tell, can you?" How? She's never seen her face. Is she taller?

"Sure I can. The way you carry yourself. You're talking back, that's something else. The last time I saw you, you were a girl. Now you've got a new suit, now…" There's a beat. "I die and you grow up. Circle of life?" she smirks.

Tali doesn't know what to say. She wonders if Shepard has remembered quarian tradition or if she's… no. No, she isn't doing that second thing. She'd be fooling herself if she thought that for a moment. Anyway, Shepard is with Cerberus now. As much as Tali may want to go with her she can't allow it. And she still has work to do. "Have you seen any of the others?" she asks.

She shakes her head. "I was going to ask you."

"Nobody since…" she takes a breath. "Since everything. There was Liara," she admits. "She's the one who told me about… about you…" she curls her fingers.

"The ship blowing to pieces didn't give it away?" Shepard asks lightly. Tali doesn't respond. How did Joker, who shatters upon taking a step, survive when Shepard didn't? "How's Liara?"

"Different." Terrifying. Is Shepard in love with her? Was she ever? Tali doesn't want to talk about her. "Anyway… as much as I'd like to stay and talk, I have to go. Veetor needs medical attention. I called for pick-up. They'll be here any minute and I'd prefer that they didn't have to deal with Cerberus operatives when they arrive. Unfortunately that now includes you."

"Isn't there any way I could change your mind?" Shepard asks. "Come on, my adventures are more fun than the Flotilla ones. They've gotta be. I have booze."

She acts like the same Shepard. Never taking anything seriously. "Even if that's true, Shepard…" she bites her tongue. She sees what she can only presume is the Cerberus shuttle sweeping in for pickup. "There are certain things that are expected of me. I can't run away from them just because you've asked."

"This was easier when I was your captain."

"Yes, but you aren't anymore." She begins to return to Veetor.

Shepard looks after her, her expression somewhat vexed and frustrated, the petulant child who didn't get to steal the toy she wanted. "I can be stubborn too, Tali'Zorah. You're going to be a part of my crew again, even if I have to kidnap you and throw you onboard until you change your mind."

"Then maybe Cerberus suits you," Tali says sharply. She has responded too vehemently to something that had clearly been a joke.

Shepard's features soften until the only indication of an expression on her face is the line along her brow, contemplative or sad, angry, she isn't sure. Tali wonders if she's terrible at reading faces. "I'm real sorry that my getting spaced was inconvenient for you."

Tali pales and goes cold. Keelah, that is not what she meant. She takes a breath. "Shepard. Don't get the wrong idea. No matter what happened here tonight—seeing you again…alive… is the happiest moment I've had in two years."

Shepard smirks faintly. "Me too." Snow blows through the air, settling on Shepard's hair and armor. She looks at Tali. "Promise me you'll be careful?"

Tali shakes her head. "Promises between people like us are dangerous things."

She looks at Tali, jaw tightening before bringing her fingers to her earpiece and turning away. "I'm heading your way. Prepare to evacuate."

Tali looks away from her before the snow takes her, before she is swallowed again before her eyes. Cerberus is here and Shepard is working for them. So much for lining up and taking the shot.

 

 


	3. Elusive

The new Normandy is a clinical, barren ship, lacking the warmth and intimacy of its first incarnation. The retrofitting and modifications are impressive but she's no longer so naive to sweep things under the carpet just because Shepard says that things are under control. Shepard can't even control her hands. Tali has seen them not once, not twice but three times already, firmly situated on Miranda's ass. If there's one thing Shepard isn't, it's discreet.

It isn't that she's jealous (maybe some part of her is). She can't wrap her head around Shepard choosing to involve herself with a woman who's the pet of the Cerberus head, the so-called Illusive Man. Does Shepard think? Sometimes Tali wonders. She misses the days when she thought Shepard capable of making only right, capable decisions.

What's so great about Miranda, anyway? Jack is a better biotic (and a loose cannon) and the very reason to not trust Cerberus. She should let it go, maybe, but it's hard. Disappointment doesn't settle well with her. How can she be disappointed in Shepard? The very thought bothers her.

She shouldn't be onboard the new Normandy but Shepard did save her— and if they don't stop the Collectors things will go from bad to worse. Harbinger is fixated on Shepard. The Collectors killed her once. Tali is happy to come along for some payback. A small part of her likes to think that Shepard needs her, that she can help watch out for her, the way Shepard watched for her two years ago, the way she saved her on Freedom's Progress and Haestrom. Maybe Shepard hasn't changed completely.

"Do you think they know how much you stare at them?" Kasumi asks. Tali blinks. "You wear a helmet but you're not exactly subtle."

"Neither are they," Tali says. Shepard leans into Miranda's door. Miranda wears a haughty smile but they stand indecently close to one another.

Shepard told her she needed her here beside her, someone to watch her back while she what, watched Miranda's? That wasn't part of the deal. What deal, she asks herself. When was the last time Shepard made any deals? Every one Tali has seen Shepard make, she has broken. It took her months to join the Normandy SR-2. Maybe that's all the time Miranda needed. Is Miranda tricking Shepard?

Tali looks away from them and to her data pad.

"Her breasts are pretty amazing," Kasumi comments, as if sizing up a fine work of art. Tali hates that she agrees. "All that money her father poured into her was well worth it."

"She's got a doting father, too?" Tali scowls. Some people have all the luck. The looks, the brains, the power, love and Shepard.

"What's your father like?"

Absent. "Very dedicated." It isn't a lie. He is. In some ways, his dedication even encompasses her. Is Shepard dedicated to anything? Anyone? Saving the galaxy, sure, but anything else? Shepard glances in her direction. Tali can't hear what she's saying but she looks at her, a slow sensual smile on her lips as she talks. Tali feels her face foolishly heating, no matter how she wills it not to. That smile isn't for her. Miranda leans into Shepard, whispers something. Shepard's hand lights near Miranda's ass again before Miranda promptly removes it. Shepard's smile makes it clear that she knows she's misbehaving.

"You're better than that," Kasumi says. "Warm and sweet beats out icy Cerberus bitch any day. And have you seen your hips?" Kasumi traces Tali's figure in the air. "You're right to flaunt it. Shepard can't miss them."

Tali swears her face masks fogs up from embarrassment. "Cut it out," she mutters, stepping back. "And don't go around saying stuff like that," she rambles, talking much too quickly. "Shepard and I are friends. That's all. I don't want you to think— I don't want her to think—That is... I have to go."

She leaves the mess hall, happy to return to Donnelly and Gabby and leave Shepard and any more stomach turning visuals behind. She's had enough of Miranda's suspicious gazes. She continues to work on disabling the cameras Cerberus has installed. She won't be spied on by Cerberus, she won't be used to unknowingly betray her people.

* * *

xxx

Miranda is there when she turns around. Shepard is too, sitting on the rails around the engineering floor, legs swinging lethargically. Tali doesn't immediately notice her, too focused on the woman in the skintight clothing that leaves little to the imagination. Is this how all Cerberus officers dress? "What is it?" Tali asks, not bothering to sound patient.

"Oh, nothing. Except your apparent attempts at sabotage aboard this vessel. When you joined us you did so at the behest of Shepard. You two have a history, I get that." She's always patronizing, so damn patronizing. Tali crosses her arms, cocking her head, waiting. "But that doesn't give you the right to interfere with Normandy systems."

"All I've done since coming aboard the Normandy is make improvements. The systems are running faster than before. I would  _never_  commit sabotage aboard a vessel I'm serving on. I wouldn't do that to the crew and I wouldn't do that to Shepard. I'm not Cerberus." Tali says. Miranda steps back slightly, the sardonic smile on her face tightening. "I know what you're here about. You're here about your spy cameras. What I've disabled won't affect Normandy security. It will, however, ensure my safety and that of the Flotilla."

Miranda glares. "You have a lot of nerve." She whips her head to the side to look at Shepard who looks terribly entertained by the interaction. "Shepard, will you talk some sense into her? You're the one who brought her aboard, over my clearly valid objections."

Shepard shrugs, jumping down from the rails she's sitting on. "She sounds like she's making plenty of sense to me, Miranda. Don't bother reactivating the cameras, by the way. She'll just find a way to take them down again. Tali's a bit of a genius."

"I brought you back from the dead," Miranda retorts, pointing out that she's clearly smarter. What a bitch.

"I know. And I appreciate it," Shepard kisses her, full on the lips.

Tali shuffles and looks away, wishing she could leave them to do whatever it is that they do, that they can do. Miranda notices and looks between the two of them before smirking gently at Tali. "Fine. Disable the cameras. You're just one quarian and you're both too stubborn to bother fighting with. But if you do anything that could interfere with the mission, believe me—"

"It won't happen," Tali cuts her off, "so why don't you save your breath and get going?"

Miranda looks to Shepard and back to Tali, glowering before leaving. Tali looks at Gabby and Kenneth who've watched the entire interaction, their eyebrows up so high they nearly reach their hairline. Tali lifts her fingers to her forehead before lowering them back at her side. She hates who she becomes around that woman. The last thing she needs is for Gabby and Kenneth to think she's a bitch. They're fantastic engineers, nice and funny. She doesn't want to be a lesser person. She isn't that person but she doesn't like Cerberus, she doesn't want to be spied on and that Miranda woman makes her blood boil.

Shepard whistles. "Uh, oh. She's pissed." She grins, cocks her head, moving towards the drive core, indicating Tali follow her. Tali does, her fingers curling. She flattens them, and grips the railing, looking at the drive core. "Thanks to you, I might get a spanking later." There's a beat. "Thanks, I've been trying to get her to play along." Tali's eyes settle on her, narrowing to slits. "You know… I could swear you gave me a shitty look just now."

"I'm glad this is all a game to you, Shepard. You know, when they talk about people climbing into bed with their enemies, the expression isn't meant to be taken literally."

Shepard scoffs. "What do you care?"

Tali bites her lip. "I don't!" Yes, she does. Damn it, she does but not because she's jealous, not only because she's jealous. She's better than that. Furthermore, she never thought Shepard could ever be hers. She's a quarian, for Keelah's sake. A stray touch might kill her. It's only, that the savior of the galaxy has better options. Why settle for someone like Miranda? "What about Liara?"

"Eh," she waves her away. "Saw on her Illium not long ago. She made Miranda look like a geisha. I kind of liked it, mind you," she says distractedly, "but she couldn't even be bothered to have a conversation. Did have me run a few jobs for her, though."

Tali shakes her head. So she's moved on from Liara, then. She isn't sure that she can blame Shepard but better Liara (she thinks), then Miranda. "You can do better than the enemy."

Shepard laughs. "You sure about that?" She leans into the railing, the blue light washing over her, making her look like somebody else. Tali stares. She hates that she can do this without being called on it. It makes it easy to develop bad habits. "Miranda was created to be perfect. She is. God, she's beautiful." Tali's stomach turns. She tells herself it's not Shepard's fault. It's not as if Shepard knows how she tortures her when she talks so casually about her lovers. "Turned out all right for a lab rat. That's what daddy turned her into. Don't mind all her attitude. I know how she comes across but you're more confident than she could ever be."

Tali blinks. Is that true? Here Shepard is again, surprising her. She can definitely be a bosh'tet but she cares about her crew, even if she's screwing them. Tali can hear it in her voice. "I think you've lost your mind."

"People look at her and all they see is tits and ass, that pretty face. They don't bother looking further. People look at you…" she scans her. Tali freezes, nervously, not wanting to hear what she has to say, wishing she could shut her up. She's seen vids where people kiss their partners into silence. That will never be an option for her. "You're not so easy to pin down." She smirks faintly. Tali's heart lodges in her throat. "You gave Donnelly and Daniels one hell of a show, by the way. They probably thought you were a good girl."

"I am."

"Maybe you only misbehave every once in a while."

Tali smiles. "You're a bosh'tet."

"You know it." She looks at her. "How are you doing? Miranda's pissing you off. So's EDI. So's Jacob. So am I, more often than not." Tali laughs. Yes. Shepard does have a talent for it. "But you haven't had much time to settle since Haestrom. How are you doing?"

Tali frowns thinking of the mission. What a disaster. She did as the admiralty board asked and for what? Were the lives of all those marines worth it? The lives of her friends? She doesn't know. She doesn't think so. Maybe she's selfish. Maybe she hates that they all died under her watch. "I'm alive and they're not so all things considered, I'm doing well." She shakes her head. "I'm not meant for command. I don't know how you do it, Shepard."

"They sent you into an impossible situation and they knew it. You came out on the other side. God, Tali. Do you have any idea how many soldiers I've had die under my command?" She shakes her head. "It's never easy. But losing soldiers doesn't make you a bad leader. Not always, anyway. I know you. You'd never throw lives away to prove a point." Shepard's eyes narrow thoughtfully and for an instant, her fingers come to her forehead. There's a scar there. In the darkness Shepard's eyes have a hint of red to them. Is she thinking of Torfan? Is she thinking of past mistakes? Tali never thought Shepard could be vulnerable. She touches a hand to Shepard's shoulder. Shepard lifts her face to look at her. They remain that way for who knows how long before Tali lets her hand slide away. "That Kal'Reeger guy looks like one hell of a soldier."

She nods. "He is. Thanks again for saving him." She's already spent too many nights writing letters to the families of the lost, fighting back tears as she's written draft after draft after draft. There's nothing she can say that would make it right. They're dead. Words won't heal it. Writing a letter for Kal'Reeger's family would break her.

"He was willing to throw his life away if it meant a chance for you."

"No, not for me. For the data, for the squad and for the Flotilla."

"You sure about that? Sounds to me like he thinks you're one hell of a girl."

Tali smiles. "Well, maybe I am?" Shepard grins. "Anyway, I don't know what you're getting at but Kal'Reeger is a friend. Even if I wanted more, and I haven't," she adds hastily, more to prevent her own embarrassment before it rises and begins to make her stammer, "he's too much of a gentleman to try anything. He still calls me 'ma'am' and stands up straight when I walk in."

"I've seen the way you talk to your soldiers—I'd stand up straight too."

"Ah hah, as if you're one to follow orders and protocol. I'm glad you're not a soldier of mine, Shepard. You'd be a pain in the ass."

"You'd ask me to go wait on the ship?"

"Yes, like a good girl," she says with another laugh, "but I'm happy to be here for you. I may not like Cerberus or this mission but I'll be here for you, as long as you need me. I've got your back Shepard, no matter what."

"Thanks. I know this is hard for you. I know you don't trust them. I know you don't entirely trust me."

"I'm not here for them. I'm here for you. And maybe when this is all over I'll load this vessel up with grenades—but in the meantime, I trust you. And you can trust me."

Shepard straightens up. Tali wishes she wouldn't wear the Cerberus uniform, the fatigues, looking so at ease. Tali wonders if she wears the uniform with a sense of irony or if she really doesn't give it any attention at all. Maybe being a quarian makes her obsess more over fashion details than it would any other. Shepard takes hold of the railing and slides closer to her. Tali looks around, behind her, trying to see what Shepard may be trying to get at but can identify nothing. "What is it?" Tali asks.

She's backed into the railing now, pinned into a triangular corner by Shepard, whose hands rest to either side of her. It would be easy to circle her arms around her waist but that's all she could do, frustrate herself with impossibilities. Anyway, Shepard has had Liara and now Miranda. What could she want with her? Their skin would never be able to touch. Shepard is into casual contact—something Tali could never consider, even if she wanted to. Unless she was looking to sign her own death warrant.

Shepard dips her face close to hers, her voice low. "You know, sometimes I wish I could see your face when you speak to me. Look at me." Tali's heart beats frantically. She can't take a breath. It occurs to Tali that she always sees Shepard through a haze, through her facemask. What would it be like to see her as she is, the brightness of her eyes, the exact shade of her lips? Damn it, they need to retake Rannoch. They need a homeworld. Living in suits is too difficult. Maybe if she'd never been exposed to this other world where affection is so standardized, so common she wouldn't be so frustrated. How have her people survived for so long? How do they bear it? Do they forget how easy it is for anyone who isn't them? Do they force themselves not to think of it? Thoughts race through her mind and finally she can't hold her breath anymore. She exhales sharply. Shepard allows some space between them. Tali closes her eyes briefly, mourning that small space, the gulf of all the skies. "Sorry. That was probably rude."

"I ah—no, it's okay," she says shakily. "Since when do you care about being rude?"

"I care when it matters." She pulls back, narrowing her eyes and looking away, the blue of the drive core washing over her. She's beautiful. It's the first time Tali has realized it and it alarms her. She doesn't want the knowledge that makes her more unattainable. "I'll leave you to your sabotage, Tali'Zorah."

Tali watches Shepard's frame, tall and athletic, certain, move away from her.


End file.
